Change

Have you ever had something you loved and couldn’t live without turn into something that just…wasn’t? Maybe your environment changed. Maybe your life changed. Maybe you changed. You’re not really sure. What you do know is that something changed, and it makes you sad. Because that thing you used to do – a hobby, a passion, an activity – has lost some or all of its fire, and you feel lost without the spark. You can’t even find the drive to locate the match and strike it. So you let life go on, wondering what happened and reflecting about what could have been. Because that, and the dreams, and the living present and the laden past and the empty future, are all you have. So life goes on, and you think in passing about what changed. And then that, too, you forget about, because time dampens memory, and people change and adapt. That thing is gone, only a part of the past you, and it hurts. But, slowly, that pain goes away too.

And then you move on.

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Ah, change. Some people love it, some people hate it. As for me, I am definitely in the inertia crowd, but I make a huge effort to recognize that. I think that being aware of our weaker tendencies, so to say, is a good thing. Continue reading “Change”

Nostalgia

Nostalgia is a sneaky beast. All it takes is one smell, one song, one sight… and those tied-up memories yank free from their constraints and stream full force to the present. They clamp to the insides of your brain like the most insistent goo, the most stubborn shoe-clinging gum. The memories. Remember me? they murmur. And they attack. Your eyes flash, the familiar ache returns, and you squeeze your eyes shut, feeling the onrush of sensations temporarily overwhelm your senses. You give in and let them through, feeling the richness and the sincerity and the sentiments. Oh, those times… What ever is more powerful than the “what was”? Perhaps, you think inexorably, the “what if”. And you are engulfed with more memories, each just as strong as the last. Helpless, you swim in them for awhile.

Time passes.

At some point you find it possible to open your eyes, having remembered why these were memories in the first place. You stare off into space, pressing your lips together absentmindedly, willing yourself to forget. Eventually you succeed. You run off into your world today, seizing it with a passion that is only slightly more forceful than usual. As you do, you cannot help but discern a mocking little voice in the back of your head as it snickers slightly and then whispers, “Just wait until the next time…”

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This was written in a time of, believe it or not, intense nostalgia. The aforementioned memories were of a good time, but the key word is “were”. Sometimes I want nothing more than to be able to relive certain vibrant parts of the past, but here we all are, in the present and without a way to get back.

How do you deal with such things? Continue reading “Nostalgia”